


Seán McLoughlin: A Septic Journey

by Tranquil_Tevine



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: BOSSNESS, Bonercast, Boss - Freeform, Crack, Dick Jokes, Prop Hunt References, Septic Eye Sam as a familiar, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-03 07:51:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13336722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tranquil_Tevine/pseuds/Tranquil_Tevine
Summary: What really happened to Jack, before starting his career on YouTube? Everything to do with what if and nothing to do with canon.





	1. You're My Best Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His first trip to the magical world and Jack finds Sam, a lovable and septic green eyeball.

"I'm gonna call you Sam, 'cause it's a boy and a girl name and you can be whatever you wanna do!"

 

Sam blinked. Or he would if there were an eyelid to blink with. For you see, Sam was a giant green eyeball, with one baby blue iris. As a show of acceptance, Sam curled its tail around the young boy's shoulder.

 

Seán McLoughlin was the boy's birth name, however, most knew him as Jack. Jack gave a childish grin, affectionately patting his new friend on the head. Found in the darkest corner of the magical menagerie, Sam seemed to call out to him. A few days ago, he was just an ordinary boy, however, he always knew there was something Boss about him, there was no other word for it. Whenever he wanted cake and cookies and his Ma wouldn't let him, all of a sudden they flew from their hiding places and into his grasp, it was weird.

 

But when a letter from Hogwarts came, it explained everything. Well, most things. While he was awed and amazed by his surroundings, he'd thought to himself, 'What the fuck?' on no less than ten occasions when faced with something beyond his understanding.

 

Any thoughts on his mind abruptly left, when suddenly, a strange tingle ran throughout his body. For a split second the veins beneath his skin glowed green and the hair nearly always in his eyes, began to match the vividness.

 

He saw his reflection in a glass tank, bushy eyebrows for his age rising in surprise.

 

Not all, but some of his hair had turned green, the very same shade of green as Sam, who was sitting almost casually on his shoulder.

 

"Fuckin' cool!" He ran a hand through his hair once, posing and attempting his most seductive look. The chicks would totally dig this!

 

He'd come to Diagon Alley, with a big bastard of a man. Seemed nice enough despite all that, however, his mind wandered back to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor because everything about it screamed fucking delicious.

 

 _'Have to get me some of that.'_   Jack thought, allowed to leave with Sam without payment, as the man was glad to be rid of them. Well, their loss and his gain.

 

He just knew that Sam would be his best friend.


	2. The Boss Has Landed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time for Jack to start Hogwarts! He kicks it off with his usual approach to situations. That and his infinite amount of lung power.

It was September 1st. To his family's credit, particularly his Ma, she remained unsurprised about his abilities now brought to light and his brother Malcolm supported him wholeheartedly, finding the concept of another world other than their own fascinating. Not that he didn't of course, but he was thinking more in terms of Space. Space was so cool! But the fact that there was an entrance to another world in London, a one with magic shit, was just as if not cooler.

 

Diagon Alley was an interesting place and he did get that ice cream, just vanilla. The other flavours were too weird for his liking, but no one had ever accused him of being a boring bastard so no doubt he'd return and try others.

 

He might have got a strange look from Hagrid for the constant stream of dick jokes once he'd found out that Wizards and Witches genuinely flew around on brooms, but in truth, he was too busy trying to take in all the sights.

 

So several days later found him here, pushing his belongings on a trolley cart, Sam perched on his shoulder, looking around in apparent curiosity.

 

"We're gonna have the sickest adventure. Plus one biceps!" Jack shouted to himself for encouragement, pushing his trolley faster and showing off said biceps of his in the process.

 

Though the new hairstyle had taken some getting used to, he'd accepted it as part of his identity. Sure he got some strange looks but that was to be expected, he was the last Bossatronian remaining from his planet, Bossitronio.

 

The Irish Bean approached his destination, Hagrid quickly explaining where he was supposed to go before he rode off on a flying Motorbike.

 

He had to run straight into the barrier, between platform 9 and 10. While most would hesitate in case the wall was solid and it hurt like a bitch, Jack thought of no such thing.

 

"SPEEEED IS KEEEY!" With a yell loud enough for his family and the entirety of Hogwarts to hear, he rushed the barrier, Sam somehow miraculously able to keep perched on his shoulder.

 

"This is fuckin' cool!"

 

At this point, he was starting to sound like a broken record, but it was the one word that could be applied to this situation.

 

Soon to be students like him and some older kept the platform on the other side busy, though they gave Jack a wide berth as, unnoticed to him as his gaze caught that of the Hogwarts Express, Sam stared, forever unblinkingly, at everyone which seemed to say, _'If you so much as look at my friend in the wrong way, I will fuck you up bruh.'_

 

As he used the trick a shopkeeper showed him to shrink his luggage to pocket-sized, he inspected his wand closely. Rowan wood, Dragon Heartstring core, 12 1/2 inches, pliant flexibility. According to the creepy dude anyway. All he cared about was the fact he could wave a stick and magical shit would happen. That and Dragons. Talk about badass!

 

As he searched the train for somewhere to sit, he heard animated voices, from a compartment right at the end of the train.

 

*Ring Ring, Ring Ring* "-1800 Boner, You've reached the Bonercast! What is your Boner question?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What am I beginning to create? xD Ah this is fun


	3. Hogwarts' Bonercast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack's knowledge of Boners is put to the ultimate test, as he is asked to answer a Boner question.

"Knock knock, ocupado?" Jack called out, knocking on the closed compartment door which opened after a second.

 

"Answer Bob's boner question and you can join us." a boy with black hair and dark brown eyes spoke, gesturing to another the same age as him, wearing glasses and even sitting down, Jack could tell he stood a head taller than him.

 

"I'm THE Boner master, Jack's your man." He pointed to himself, gesturing for Bob to go ahead.

 

"When I go to visit my Grandma, getting a quality boner isn't easy. What should I do?"

 

Oh, he **had** this.

 

"You just gotta let go, let that sweet chub rocket to the heavens. Draw pictures of boobs and ass and glue them to your face and if your Grandma happens to walk in, you're using what nature gave you bro!"

 

Bob started to laugh and in between laughs, he addressed the first boy. "I think we can accept him, Mark."

 

his laugh was contagious, as Mark started to laugh, a deep and goofy kind of laugh that had Jack chuckling a bit.

 

"I think so too."

 

Jack didn't notice there was another person in the room, he was so quiet but remained as tall as Bob, with a gentle demeanour.

 

"Nobody asked you, Wade!"

 

"Yeah, shut up Wade!"

 

Both Bob and Mark yelled simultaneously at the other boy, who shrank slightly.

 

"Aw, ok then."

 

"Just joking." Mark slapped Wade on the back.

 

"I'm not, Wade's an asshole. I hate that guy!" Bob spoke, not a hint of remorse in his voice as Mark's eyes filled with mirth.

 

"Bob that's so mean."

 

Wow, they were really ripping on him. But Wade didn't look offended in the slightest. Jack knew quality banter when he saw it.

 

"So, sit down boner brother!" Mark gestured near him, Bob and Wade sat on the opposite side.

 

"Mahusive Mark." He gestured to himself, "Weiner Wade." he pointed at Wade, "Boner Bob," Bob nodded his head, still laughing to himself.

 

"Jizz Jack." he was fucking meant to be a part of this, he could sense it.

 

"B-B-B-BONERCAST!" They took turns to high five one another, as Mark turned to Jack, a questioning expression on his face.

 

"So, what's with the eyeball?"

 

"I found him in Diagon Alley. They're called Sam, 'cause they can be whatever they wanna do!" He repeated what he'd said earlier, due to the truth of it.

 

"My mom gave me Tiny Box Tim before I left for Hogwarts. He's kind of like a familiar? He's adorable." He shot a look of deep fondness towards Tim, who peeked out from between Mark's robes, looking at Sam in curiosity. Sam remained where they were, but waved their tail in imitation of a greeting.

 

"So, have you guys been here for long?" He asked, noticing that they each had a different colour robe on with their house crest. He wasn't much of a reader. In fact, he only looked over his school books so he knew what to expect. Hagrid had filled him in on the houses along with the rivalries. He wasn't about to be a huge douchebag however and decided to reserve judgment on the houses and form his own opinions.

 

Mark's in Gryffindor, Bob's in Slytherin and Wade's in Hufflepuff. All from different houses but they looked to the best of friends anyway.

 

"We're 2nd years. We can fill you in on what you need to know and maybe more depending on what house you're in. Where are you from?"

 

"Ireland."

 

"A lot of Potatoes over there then?" Mark imitated his accent, badly. Jack rolled his eyes and tried his best to keep the sarcasm to a minimum, he really did.

 

"Oh T'be sure, we also go chasin' pots av gauld an' 'untin' Leprechauns."

 

Jack responded in kind, mockingly fitting the bill of the stereotypical Irishman.

 

"I be an Irishman at heart." Mark insists.

 

"You sound like an American Pirate."

 

"Arr shiver me timbers!"

 

It seemed as if Jack had been friends with the three for years, as he fit right in. The train journey flew quickly by, as the group got to know one another.

 

The Bonercast Crew had gained another member.


	4. The Power of the Bossatronian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bob's got some advice, Sam glows and Jack kicks ass.

Before long, the train stopped and that was where Jack had to part with his new friends, at least for now.

 

"You have to go ride on the boats this year, you can join us in the carriages next time," Mark told him, patting him on the shoulder.

 

"Wade fell in the water, like an idiot. Don't be like Wade Jack, we only need one," Looking at him for a moment, Bob added, "There's a giant ass squid too, watch out for butt stuff."

 

"Does it have a majestic pene?" Jack asked.

 

"Oh, several!" Mark waved his arms about for emphasis. "Huuuuuuuuge too. With suckers."

 

"Oi'm in for a grand ol' time!"

 

At this rate, he wasn't going to shed Irish stereotypes anytime soon, but he couldn't help taking the piss.

 

Giving a sharp salute in farewell and the cheeky finger once their backs were turned Jack followed his peers, grabbing a boat all to himself.

 

"We're going on an epic adventure, Sam," Jack told his companion, who remained on his shoulder and hadn't moved. Patting their head in fondness, he then noticed something.

 

"Holy fuck Sam! You glow in the dark?"

 

And so he did. As they floated across the water, Sam provided more illumination than the lanterns attached to their boats, painting the water surrounding the pair an eerie green and within that green, Jack could almost swear he saw the giant squid's sucker penes.

 

And then, Hogwarts came into view and Jack, for at least a few seconds, remained speechless, at a loss for words, every kind.

 

The site quite literally belonged to a fairytale, something far moved from reality. But this was reality. He joined the awed gasps of his fellow students, as it really was a beautiful sight.

 

He couldn't wait to start 'sploring!

 

He knew that would have to wait for now, though, as Hagrid guided them to the castle entrance, they were faced with a tall, stern woman, the very essence of rule following.

 

 _'Oh, she has sucked on all the lemons.'_   Jack couldn't help but think, looking at her pursed lips.

 

They were lead inside, several students screaming at the appearance of ghosts.

 

Jack and Sam turned to one another simultaneously.

 

"Bro, Ghosts, though."

 

Sam nodded once, unblinking as they turned their head to watch them pass by.

 

Although Jack could listen if he chose to, he was far more interested in what was going on around him. Sometimes he could lose his train of thought when speaking and go on an entirely different tangent, to the point where he forgot his previous topic, to begin with. It was probably important but nothing he couldn't pick up on eventually.

 

Then, they were left alone, students muttering among themselves until one called out to Jack.

 

"What's that ugly thing you have with you. Not to mention that hair. Utter riffraff."

 

"Nani the _FUCK_?" Jack spoke to Sam, then turning to stare at the boy with incredulous eyes. He tried to reach out to Sam, who batted his hand away with their tail, leaving a trail of greenish slime.

 

"I hope you burst into flame taking shits you whore of Babylon!" Jack growled, glaring fiercely and unknown to him, the veins beneath his skin glowed green, visible even through his robes as the boy backed away.

 

Seriously, who the fuck did this dude think he was? He hated people like that. He liked to give people a chance but he could usually tell within a few minutes of knowing that person if they were an asshole or not. And this guy with his slicked-back blond hair, THE.BIGGEST.PRICK.

 

Hoping that he wouldn't be sorted into the same house as him, he found himself relieved when Professor McGonagall (he recalled that much about her) returned, leading them into The Great Hall.

 

On his way in, he couldn't help but mutter to the boy, "Suck on my fat one, FuckBag McGee."

 

Leaving him sputtering with indignation Jack continued onward, hoping there weren't too many other kids like him here.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Quite literally testing the waters with this :)


End file.
